The Adventures of Mark, my good friend from Athens, GA and his beautiful Blond wife, Michelle
This was back when Mark first started his own firm, he rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there one morning, he saw a man come into the outer office. Hoping to look like a hot shot, Mark picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working on a big, important business deal. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
- In a trial in Athens, GA, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, Michelle. Now Michelle was a witness to the crime and is known in Athens as being a straight shooter. The prosecutor approached Michelle and asked, “Mrs. Mitchell, do you know me?” Michelle responded, “Why yes I do know you since you were a little boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The prosecutor was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Mitchell, do you know the defense attorney?”
Michelle replied, “Why yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney nearly died.
Just then the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said: “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
Always self conscious about his lack of ears, whenever Bob would interview a future employee, he would ask him: "What do you notice that's different about me?” If the employee would mention his lack of ears (which often they did), it would be a for sure “no” for the job. However, if the employee would mention something else, he would hire the guy. One year, at the holiday business party, Bob approached his most recent hire, Mark, and asked him if he remembered the last question he had asked him when interviewing him for the job. “Sure I do,” Mark replied. “You asked me what was different about you and I said that you were wearing contact lenses.” “Of all things to answer,” Bob questioned curiously, “why was that the thing you noticed?” Mark responded, “Well, to be honest, it was quite simple. How could you possibly be wearing glasses if you don’t have any ears!”
When Mark was young and had first started working for his dad, he went to him one day and said; “Dad, my paycheck is $100 less than my salary." Sam told him back: "I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!" Mark: "Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, dad, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!"
Mark and Michelle were visiting the zoo in Atlanta when Michelle leaned into the lion's cage to get a good picture. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the collar of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her, all while Mark was looking on.
Mark ran over to the cage and punched the lion square on the nose with his fist.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumped back letting go of Michelle. A reporter watched the whole event. He addressed Mark by saying, 'Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' Mark replied, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw my wife in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter said, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist for the Atlanta Constitution, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, as some background information, what college team do you support and what political affiliation do you have?'
Mark replied, I'm a Georgia football fan and a conservative.
The next morning Mark bought the paper to see if it indeed had his story on the front page. He saw that sure enough, the reporter was right. The headline read:
GEORGIA FOOTBALL FAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
Mark was complaining during a staff meeting one morning that his employees didn’t respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office, he came in the next day with a sign for his door that said, “I am the boss.” One of the employees, apparently not appreciating the change, posted a post-it-note on the sign that said, “Michelle wants her sign back.”
Mark and Michelle are world class travelers. They go to different parts of the world and love to drench themselves in the cultures of the places they go. But Mark always takes a piece of home with him. One day when he and Michelle were going through customs of some foreign country he had this exchange with the customs official;
Mark: Here are my papers.
Customs: Do you have anything else to declare?
Customs: On what?
Mark: No, really. I always take my package of Depends with me!
I’m not saying that Mark is cheap and skimps on his hotel rooms, but the other night when he was out of town he called the front desk of the hotel he was staying at and told the guy, “Hey, I gotta leak in my sink.” The clerk replied, “Well, go ahead, everybody else does!”
Mark shouted frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asked the Doctor. "No, this is her husband!"
Michelle was out for a ride in the new sports car Mark had just bought her for Christmas when she was pulled over for speeding. As it turned out, the police officer was also a pretty blonde woman. So she asked Michelle to see her license. Michelle dug through her purse, unable to locate her drivers license. “What does it look like?” she asked the cop. Replied the blonde cop, “It’s square, it’s about this big (holding her thumb and index finger about three inches apart), and it has your picture on it.” Michelle finally found a square, three inch mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the blonde police woman. “Here it is,” she said.
The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize YOU were a cop…”