The Adventures of Mark, my good friend from Athens, GA and his beautiful Blond wife, Michelle
Last month I interviewed Mark about his life. This month we finish up that interview;
Me: Mark, you’ve had a pretty rough go in life. But when you were born, would you say you were a pretty baby?
Mark: No. When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”
Me: Would you say you were nurtured as a kid?
Mark: What do you think? When I took my first step, my old man tripped me! And when I was a kid I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
Me: Did you have any after school jobs when you were a kid?
Mark: Yeah, but it didn’t work out too well. I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.
Me: That doesn’t sound too good.
Mark: I know. I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
Me: But you look like you’re doing okay now. Since you’re single again, have you gotten back out on the dating scene?
Mark: I’ve tried, but it hasn’t worked out very well. Take last week, a girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
Me: But have you had any dates?
Mark: Well, I dated one girl. She had a face like a saint–a Saint Bernard! She was so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
Me: That doesn’t sound like it worked out too well. Have you dated anyone else?
Mark: Just one. She was a pretty big girl.
Me: How… big… was… she?
Mark: Let me put it like this. Every time she wore high heels she struck oil.
Me: I hear you’re having some health issues. Is that true?
Mark: I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. I told him, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.” He’s not a very good doctor. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Nobody likes me, I tell ya, nobody. I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
Me: Any other health problems?
Mark: I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
Me: How about your mental health? You okay there?
Mark: No. My psychiatrist told me I was going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!” Last week I told him, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance. Then I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch. When I did he said, “good boy, good boy!”
Me: By the way, do you have a dog?
Mark: Yeah, but not a good one. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave. His favorite bone is in my arm! I call him Egypt. He keeps leaving pyramids in every room.
Me: Man, you have a tough life. Do you ever get depressed?
Mark: Recently I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, “On your mark…” But last week I joined a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Sad news! Last month Mark called me and told me that he and Michelle are calling it quits. I said that was terrible, what was I going to use for my jokes from now on? Mark told me I could interview him and report to you the history of his sad life. So this month we start with his childhood
Me: Mark, when you were born would you say you were a ‘wanted’ child?
Mark: No, when I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.” My mother had morning sickness after I was born. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. My mother never breast fed me. She said she only liked me as a friend. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”
Me: Would you say you come from a family that’s smart?
Mark: I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west! My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Me: I’m sure you were cute as a baby, right?
Mark: I don’t think so. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. One year they wanted to make me the poster boy… for birth control. I was so ugly that my father carried around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
Me: Good interview, Mark. Can’t wait till next month.
I got on the phone with Mark and Michelle the other day, just to how they were doing. They had been locked up in their house for weeks. This was the conversation;
Me – How’s it been going guys? Have y’all been eating okay?
Michelle – I think I’m coming out of this quarantine as an amazing cook. Mark’s coming out with a slight drinking problem
Me – Have you two been practicing social distancing?
Mark – I’ll tell you what Michelle needs to practice social distancing from… the refrigerator!
Me – Did you guys stock up on all your paper products, or have you had to conserve?
Michelle – I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe. Does that answer your question?
Me – Have you been keeping up with your neighbors? Are they doing okay?
Michelle – Well, this morning I saw my next door neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. How silly. So I came back inside and told my dog all about it… and we just laughed!!
Me – Mark, have you been using lots of hand sanitizer and washing your hands enough?
Mark – My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet!
To be continued…
Michelle came home the other day just as embarrassed as she could be. Of her experience, she told Mark, “They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied. Everyone else there had clothes on!”
Mark has been trying to figure out what to do while he and Michelle are quarantined in their house from the Coronavirus. Since all the restaurants in Athens are closed and they didn’t bother to stock up on any groceries at the supermarket, this was their first week’s menu;
Sunday - Steak
Monday - Hamburgers
Tuesday - Spaghetti
Wednesday - Ramen Noodles
Thursday - Canned Creamed Corn
Friday - Roadkill Squirrels
Saturday - Dried Grass and Clovers from the back yard
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. Mark, my good friend from Athens, GA, and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people'.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, Mark arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” Mark recalled. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Mark was getting into the shower just as Michelle was finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rang. Michelle quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran downstairs. When she opened the door, there was Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she said a word, Bob said, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, Michelle dropped her towel and stood in front of Bob. After a few seconds Bob handed her $800 and left. Michelle wrapped back up in the towel and went back upstairs. When she got to the bathroom, Mark asked, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replied. 'Great,' said Mark, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
This is a story from years ago when Michelle worked at Boston Hospital one winter. As a trucker stopped at a red light, Michelle caught up to him in her car. She jumped out of her car, ran up to his truck, and knocked on the door. The trucker lowered the window, and she said "Hi, my name is Michelle and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignored her and proceeded down the street. When the truck stopped for another red light, Michelle caught up again. She again jumped out of her car, ran up and knocked on the door. Again, the trucker lowered the window. As if they'd never spoken, Michelle said brightly, "Hi my name is Michelle, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignored her again and continued down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happened again. All out of breath, Michelle got out of her car, ran up and knocked on the truck door. The trucker lowered the window. Again she said "Hi, my name is Michelle, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turned green the trucker revved up and raced to the next light. When he stopped this time, he hurriedly got out of the truck, and ran back to Michelle’s car. He knocked on her window, and as she lowered it, he said "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Massachusetts and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"